Apr 10, 2014

crying myself to sleep.
every waking hour kills me.
i wish you had meant your words but changed your mind.
i wish you would say you felt the same but ok, found paradise.

but no,
...i wasn't even a choice.
i don't dare even ask what i was to you.

how do i reconcile with having loved you?
how do i reconcile with not even hating you?

broken. so broken.
why did you have to break me to pieces?

crying myself to sleep.
every darkness just calls to me.
i wish it wasn't me, i wish it wasn't her,
...i wish it wasn't you.

shattered. so shattered.
why did i not see?

to have expected, believed,

crying myself to sleep.
deeply missing you, a mirage.
crying myself to sleep.
crying myself to sleep.

i'm so, so exhausted.

Apr 9, 2014

for there is a proper time and procedure for every matter,
though a man's misery weighs heavily upon him.
- Ecclesiastes 8:6

i miss everything, so badly...
but You have predestined this.
still,  please, Abba. i have never been here before.

Apr 8, 2014

the sun has set.
my eyes tired with tears.
the sun has set.
i have lost all right senses.

please don't come back,
i'm already gone.

i try to rebuild, i tried, we tried.
but the truths stab, sting, they do.
i don't know how do this anymore.

please don't come back,
we are already no more.

the sun has set.
your silhouette next to another.
the sun has set.
i close my eyes and pray to disappear.

i will never be.
i will never be

i don't fall so easily. how you managed to get me, i don't know. 
all i want now is to get out. to get out. to totally get out.

Mar 4, 2014

life. bittersweet?
there are those days.

the arrows. sadness.
from deep down.

to have lost everything i thought i wanted
yet to have gained everything i ever needed.

no turning back, no turning back.

it's not enough, Abba.
the things of You i've gained,
in this valley.

i want more.
i selfishly ask for more.
more of You.

Feb 16, 2014

when your Father of all creation says "let go"
...you let go.

let go of that hand my heart has begun to hold.
let go of the fears that cripple my steps, my potential in Him.
let go of hurts, disappointments, insecurities...

my instincts are to run and hide.
dive deeper into the hole i hate.

i want to stop running away.
this is a lockdown with You.

i can keep asking why
but i won't learn, i won't know
till i put my trust in You
and walk through the fire.

i wouldn't know the gold
if i don't drown in these ashes.

Your love is pure.
refine me in ways You know best.

Your will is better.
Your will be done.
i surrender.

please don't give up on me...