Apr 17, 2015

as i place a lock on my luggage bag, my heart just weighs something heavy. 

is it the sense of goodbye?
the leaving this city, well aware that my emotions still linger in a person who shouldn't even be allowed a second on my mind. the physically moving myself out of the hole i have been digging this past one year. oh, damn you, social media! i really don't need his happy photos and whatevernots. 

is it the sense of fear?
the unrelenting daily news of sicknesses, tragedies and man made agony towards women. the not knowing if this is the adventure to help overcome these nauseating nightmares of my well-known careless nature and general bad sense of direction. 

is it the sense of finally?
to have held something so dearly in such a special place for many years and now, to have it just hours away from being real. will i be disappointed at what i see or do not see? will i be disappointed at what i will or won't feel?

is it the sense of knowing?
the possibility of hearing what my Lord has to say to me, - His plans and direction for my life. the possibility of breakthroughs over mountains and valleys to reach the other side and see signs of a clearing - to be gifted the courage to take just.one.more.step.forward.

"you will love it or,
you will come home crying!"
- Pastor Matt


she scares me to my core,
she threatens and chisels at every corner of my comfort zone.

while the unknown chokes me, i trust in Abba's all-knowing nature and power. for i believe, He was the one who engineered the next few weeks, He was the one who messed up my birthday getaway plans and kept open this door.

so this is what it feels like,
so this is what it seriously feels like
...to fight for a dream.

Apr 14, 2015

had an unexpected opportunity to join a worship session onboard the MV Logos ship. it was like any normal worship environment, when suddenly, i started crying and for a few seconds couldn't figure out why. then, it dawned on me...

...i am HERE, worshiping my Father on a ship i had dreamt so much of serving Him on. 
well, to be precise, i hoped for its now forever unsailing sister ship - the MV Doulos.

as a young teen with much energy and passion for the Lord, Doulos was one of my very first few choices at the age of 13 and when the time came, i was strongly advised against it, for various valid reasons. numbed, life went on...

tonight, my Father reminded me of this broken dream i have been harboring. 

in the dimness of the room, people continued to sing and then a moment of silence filled the air. i wanted so much to bawl my heart out in the deep disappointment and void. 

as i wept and sniffled in controlled motions, all i could say was,
"i surrender even this. Your dreams are better. YOU are better."

this journey He is taking me on is one so infinitely crazy and impossible but i love, love, LOVE how everything in perspective and revelation honestly and truly just points me back to refocus on who i am in my Father's sight and, when i allow Him to embrace me in His love, the things that cripple me with fear and hurts just slowly align under His authority. 

...whom the Son sets free is free indeed!

Apr 10, 2015

i remember a few nights ago as i laid in bed, crazy sleepy but, so wide awake in refection of the things my personal God is teaching me through the failures and victories of life. He keeps drawing me back to my one foundation - Himself. and the indescribable revelation of life with Him.

faithful must i remain in allowing these things to resonate silently in my heart.

till the day His hands move, everything is made right right here, in His arms.

"for You are working all things together for my good.
You make all things new, You make all things new!"

Mar 31, 2015

never have i felt more vulnerable before you.
hearing you speak - your words & truths - it hurt so bad
all i could do was remain sensible as i tried to stay above your waves.

yet with this broken heart and ravaged soul,
i will keep giving this friendship a million tries, and again.

some day i will understand.
some day i will understand.

Mar 28, 2015

who holds the keys to my heart?
is it You, oh One who crafted my inner parts?

who holds the keys to my heart?

i give You my keys in exchange for Your keys
the keys in the promises of ALL that You are.

"I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven" - Matthew 16:19