Mar 5, 2015

Your love letter.
so much to devour, so much i do not understand.
but, i want to.

Mar 3, 2015

should i get to sixty,
my prayer is only this -
that my heart be evermore captivated by the King.

Feb 27, 2015

i don't want to love anymore.
i don't want to go through another heartache of intense void,
this voiceless sting of seeing him with another.

i don't want to love anymore.

this purging him out of my life is so painful.
each time a breakdown happens, i can only tell You how much i cannot
and acknowledge how much more of You i need to consume me.

Feb 25, 2015

lately, life has brought about intense conversations with people who have spread their wings in the world, or as i might say; are bravely bearing their souls to the heat of the sun. they sit me down with wide-eyed advise on my life and decipher my story of where i would like to "be". their hearts and genuine intentions gently but firmly pouring out fireballs of stories, both good and bad, in the hopes of finally getting me to move a centimeter off of my ass and dip my toes into the world.

i sit listening, nodding my head, hearing myself mutter repeatedly, "i know...but,...". deep down, frustration builds and i wriggle in conscious control and try, somehow, to change the subject but more, to defend myself.

defend myself? ...from what?

fear? check. insecurities? check. comfort-zone-complacency? huge check.

above all, i am frustrated with the things i do not know - what are my passions? what are my talents and giftings? what would i be doing if money wasn't an issue? and even if i have an answer, are they real? are they solid? could those things just be senseless phases? are they mine to hope and build on? 

"you'll never know until you try. it will never be until you do!"
"if you make a mistake, - come home, start over!"

so much noise. just so much noise going on in my head, in my heart and on the outside. it keeps ballooning, this feeling of urgency to quickly up and chase a purpose - my purpose. shouldn't i already know a fraction of what that is?

am i retarded for not knowing?

"you keep waiting for a sign but sometimes, you just gotta do it!"
"take risks!"

i feel so lost and pressured. yes, pressured to live my dreams. pressured to finally be the person i have always wanted to be. pressured to 'show results' to the people who have walked with me through my seemingly inconsolable whines of dissatisfaction with life.

yes, i keep waiting for open paths albeit not ignoring its impending twists and turns. i keep waiting because i know what it has been like living a life of dreaming and trying to chase wrong doors. i know what it is like to hate my Father for not giving me what i want. i know what a life in darkness can do to an already rotting, bitter soul. i know what it is like to live in the depression of disappointments, stemmed mainly from my own taking hold of the reigns.

so let people talk. let me keep making the mistake of missed opportunities. let it come because unless i am so sure that it is a nudge from the Lord, i will not budge. heck yeah - i am scared, irritated and nauseous in this "waiting upon the Lord". i could be doing it all wrong but, i trust my Father knows how to deal with me and that He will not allow me to destroy myself. i trust that in every season, He is still God and He is good.

all i want is this - at the end of my last breath,
will He know me at Heaven's gate?
will i know Him?

i wish to just shut the world off and focus on wanting more of Him because, as much as i know it in my head, my heart hasn't come to the full conviction that that is my purpose in life, that that is all i desire for - Yahweh.

Feb 23, 2015

aside from its fiery cringe,
i have forgotten how beautiful chilies can be.
a reminder on life and its journeys.