Dec 18, 2014

looking back...
what are you most proud of this year?
- being okay with being alone.
- standing up for what i believe in at the office by not running away and hide in hurt but came forward and talked about things.
- finished reading the entire Bible! (yeah, finally)

what was the biggest risk you took?
"confronting" him through that letter and trying to confess the deepest parts of my heart despite knowing that (a) his words were mere water and (b) he will never reciprocate. i needed him to know because he means much to me. i had to clarify where he/we stood so i can begin to try to move on with my broken heart.

What did you learn this year?
- Abba is jealous for me. He wants all of my heart and desires to give me the fullness of His. 
- Abba is relentless in His pursuit of me no matter how angry, disappointed and hurt i have allowed myself to get towards Him and life in general. He has never given up on waiting for me to come Home. and even now when i stumble and go through so many ups and downs in my relationship with Him, He never stops loving me with patience.
- forgiveness is a process and a partnership with Christ for the freedom that is only for my good, not even the one who hurt me.
- i am weak but Abba is strong.

what do you wish you had made more time for?
- open talks of honesty and reconciliation.
- people whom have shown to be true-blue friends.

what are 3 highlights of your year?
- buying my own car and insisting Buddy to be black (and male).
- extremely belated family trip to Adelaide and Melbourne, Australia.
- my first (and last, please) broken heart.

looking forward...
what “word” do you want to define 2015?

what are 3 big goals for 2015?
- buy a new camera lense, 24/35mm
- decision if i should stay on another year at this job of 5 years or to finally take that scary leap of faith to pursue my heart's desire.
- to find a handful of Christian brothers and sisters with whom i can grow with.

what do you want to stop doing in 2015?
- i want to stop hating and comparing myself, physical and intelligence, with other girls just because a boy preferred another
- i want to stop being angry and hurt over him and her
- i want to stop fearing love and new friendships
- i want to stop loving/caring for people too much, and unwisely. it's okay if i am not accepted by people.

what things excite you about the upcoming year?
knowing more of Abba's dream for my life!

what do you want to learn in 2015?
to experience more of and to stay in Abba's presence.

Apr 9, 2014

for there is a proper time and procedure for every matter,
though a man's misery weighs heavily upon him.
- Ecclesiastes 8:6

Apr 8, 2014

the sun has set.
my eyes tired with tears.
the sun has set.
i have lost all right senses.

please don't come back,
i'm already gone.

i try to rebuild, i tried, we tried.
but the truths stab, sting, they do.
i don't know how do this anymore.

please don't come back,
we are already no more.

the sun has set.
your silhouette next to another.
the sun has set.
i close my eyes and pray to disappear.

i will never be.
i will never be

Mar 4, 2014

life. bittersweet?
there are those days.

the arrows. sadness.
from deep down.

to have lost everything i thought i wanted
yet to have gained everything i ever needed.

no turning back, no turning back.

it's not enough, Abba.
the things of You i've gained,
in this valley.

i want more.
i selfishly ask for more.
more of You.

Feb 16, 2014

when your Father of all creation says "let go" let go.

let go of that hand my heart has begun to hold.
let go of the fears that cripple my steps, my potential in Him.
let go of hurts, disappointments, insecurities...

my instincts are to run and hide.
dive deeper into the hole i hate.

i want to stop running away.
this is a lockdown with You.

i can keep asking why
but i won't learn, i won't know
till i put my trust in You
and walk through the fire.

i wouldn't know the gold
if i don't drown in these ashes.

Your love is pure.
refine me in ways You know best.

Your will is better.
Your will be done.
i surrender.

please don't give up on me...