Jun 25, 2015

it's been almost two months since my return from India and i came home utterly overwhelmed and later consciously decided - i must purposely refrain from going through my photo albums nor even try to form extensive words for my heart. but i guess, it's been enough time to... calm down? *ha-ha*

17 days.
se.ven.teen days of walking on soil i never, ever imagined i would.
i mean, why would it ever? my whole life has been a grand repeat of broken dreams!

but suddenly, there's this YES to a very personal desire?

...i get it now -
India was THE cure i never imagined i needed.

a country known for her poverty healed my impoverished soul.

the reality of this dream has breathed new life! the reality of this dream has reignited my love for all things beautiful - people, nature, the very act of breathing and knowing that the world is mine to take and make, despite the falls i will and may have to encounter.

the people i met, the sights i saw, the food i ate.
(finally got to taste some of my midnight YouTube watching of India's street foods!)

more so,

despite the miles, i was found by a soul whom i never would've dared think of.
a soul that found me in places i wander off to, alone.

i am being taught the meaning of loving myself and to taste courage. the dreams i have been invited to glimpse have challenged me to rediscover my own - laid out with clarity and words of admonition and sometimes, harsh reality but, covered with care i still cannot comprehend. 

and dare not take for granted.

such unexpected friendships.
the kind your brain keeps hearing in repeat - who are you and why did you happen to me?

my heart for India may be slathered with human, girly emotions
my heart for India may cause heads to shake and lips to laugh
my heart says to let them because, even i have no idea what is going on

the blank spaces left now ask - aab kya hoga? // what now?
the blank spaces left now believes - kal khoobsurat hai! // tomorrow is beautiful!

Jun 4, 2015

maybe it's the lack of sleep, which is very much by choice.
maybe it's the sudden connection, which is on the whole, not by choice.

oh heart,

how do you calm fire that slowly builds in its quiet, gentle crackling of flames?
the coals bright red, dancing mesmerizing mirages, blanketed in comforting heat.

oh heart, ....--- don't touch.

carefully and purposefully,
wrap these heavy chains around the words, expressions, emotions.

what isn't mine, isn't.

a gift so precious.
but taken, labeled, stamped and sealed.

yet if this could be, there has to be a finale.
dare i make my Creator so small?

let me sleep and dream to the ends of galaxies,
lest i awake to the reality of my uncertainties.

May 26, 2015

do you cry without even knowing that you are?
remnants in the morning mirror...

a hard night, 
the wrestling with my humanity and my Lord's sovereignty.
His waves of clarity were hard to take and i resorted to fight.

is it really 'happy' for someone when your heart cringes in -
what is it? ...jealousy? bitterness?

the heart cringes in the truths.
the screaming truths that some paths may meet but they never really do.
they don't "walk along", they don't even "pass by".

a mirage - it simply just is.
the feeling of - wish it were, wish it could.

where do you go with the questions and feelings that now linger and have sunk a dead weight into the god-forsaken parts of a heart and mind?

i am weak. weak.
but strength clings...

"with my limitations."
"i am without liberty."

the sun rises and it wont freeze for even the most heart-wrenching of pleas.

to sit still and watch it rise or,
walk away.

walk away while the air still teases with night.

May 22, 2015

my mind, heart, emotions, ...every.fiber.of.my.being.
have been

lost in the highs of given experiences and its motions and questions.
lost in the stories and lives i now feel so intertwined with.

and so i have been struggling.
the conscious decisions i have been making,
the resulting in tangible disconnection from the One i love.

today, He swooped in and recaptured me.

once again He took a hold on my dreams, desires, plans, emotions...
gently He returned them to their respective crystal-glass boxes and,
smiled - like we just shared a secret.

i guess we did.
aahh, that scent of hope.

i don't know how He did it, how He does it
and the why He keeps pursuing my fickle heart.

"then their eyes were opened and they recognized Him, and He disappeared from their sight. they asked each other, 'were not our hearts burning within us while He talked with us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us?'"
- Luke 24:31

i want my heart to burn.

May 16, 2015

the moment you know you shouldn't want what you want.
the knowing right from wrong but ignoring the heat of sunrise...

don't fall, don't fall in.